Saturday, May 31, 2008


FYI: My short story "Have Plastic, Will Travel" is up at DZ Allen's Muzzle Flash. You can read it here. Thanks to Mr. DZ Allen for publishing my story, and for giving us a place to find some of the most kick-ass flash fiction on the net.


First we had the "nude maid jewelry theft case" in Florida. And then in Michigan:
Nude man accused in 10th-floor balcony break-in

ANN ARBOR, Mich. -- Ann Arbor police are not sure how a naked man managed to get to a 10th floor apartment balcony for a pre-dawn break-in. Police in the University of Michigan campus town said a resident called about 1:30 a.m. Wednesday, saying someone was breaking in through a sliding glass door on his balcony.

And now in North Carolina we have:
N.C. police capture nude man accused of thefts

LUMBERTON, N.C. -- Police responding to a tip about a naked man walking on a state highway in Lumberton say he's connected to a three-week string of thefts involving more than $85,000 worth of property.

The Fayetteville Observer reported that police say Jonathan Michael Allen stole two vehicles, televisions, power tools and jewelry. The 31-year-old is charged with multiple counts of breaking and entering, larceny and burglary.

Florida, Michigan, North Carolina; folks, we are on the verge of a nationwide naked crime wave. Your state may be next. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Friday, May 30, 2008


"This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, 'Don't eat the big white mint.'"

-Wade Garret (Sam Elliott), Roadhouse (1989)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I'd have paid good money to be there when he tried explaining this to the little lady:
Person of interest sought in 'nude maid' jewelry theft case

LUTZ, FL -- The wife of a man who hired a nude maid to clean their home while she was away is speaking out over the theft of $40,000 worth of jewelry from the residence.

The wife, who asked not to be identified, says she plans to file for divorce. "My mom is very ill so I was away caring for her and when I came back that is what I came back to," the wife told

She agreed to the interview hoping it will help investigators locate the stolen goods.

Deputies say Kenna DiMartini is a person of interest in connection with the so-called "nude maid" jewelry theft case. The valuables apparently were stolen from the couple's Cheval home in northwest Hillsborough County while the maid was "cleaning."

The husband reportedly located the maid through Craigslist and hired her to clean the home while his wife was out of town. It's believed the maid cleaned out the jewelry while cleaning up the bedroom.

A naked woman is a person of interest. Well, she was for hubby, wasn't she? I'm kind of curious where she hid the jewels. I mean, she was naked, wasn't she? Anyway, here's a couple pictures from the ABC Action News website of the "person of interest." I wonder if she does windows.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I've devoted a fair amount of blog space to stupid crooks here lately. In the interest of being fair and balanced:
Update: Albany poker club site shut down

ALBANY - A social club that was hosting underground poker games was shut down by the city today, two days after a group of armed men robbed the game and some 40 players of their money and jewelry.

The city's order was tacked to the door of the Azzurri social club at 192 North Allen St., stating the location was being used "as a gambling club" with no certificate of occupancy or building permit.

It's the second time in two weeks an underground poker club may have been robbed at gunpoint in that neighborhood.

Earlier this month police investigated another robbery outside a social club around the corner on Central Avenue where another poker game was taking place. But police officials said they are now investigating whether that robbery actually took place inside the club and had been reported as a street robbery to keep attention away from the club.

"They're looking at that," said Detective James Miller, the department's spokesman. "Now they believe that possibly it occurred inside."

Sunday's robbery took place just after 9 p.m. when several armed men wearing hooded sweatshirts strolled inside. There is no security and anyone can walk into the social club and play, according to three people who have played there.

A man at the club today pointed to a spot in the ceiling where a gunman fired a shot. Police were unsure if the gun contained bullets or pellets. One victim suffered several small cuts on his hand from what police said is "believed to have been a ricochet from a pellet gun being discharged inside the club."

The suspects got away with about $8,000, wallets and jewelry, police said.

I don't know if these guys are smart or not, but their choice of a target shows a bit of imagination. No security, no video cameras, and witnesses who are less likely to be forthcoming to police; an underground poker game's a pretty safe bet. Unless one (or more) of the players is armed. Not much chance of that in the beautiful crime-free Empire State, is there?

Monday, May 26, 2008


Happy Memorial Day folks. And since today marks the unofficial start of summer in the US, I figured the occasion called for a beach picture. This week's babes are British models/reality TV starlets Bianca Gascoigne and Charlotte Mears. I think Bianca's the one on the left, Charlotte on the right. But does it really matter? If you want to see more of them, their trip to the beach somehow rated a story on the Daily Mail website. My personal favorite pic is the one that shows Bianca pole-dancing. But only because I respect her as an athlete.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


I was scanning the Albany Times Union website when this story caught my attention:
Schenectady man charged in North Adams bank robbery

NORTH ADAMS, Mass. - A Schenectady man faces multiple charges after allegedly carrying a CO2 pistol and a pound of explosives into a bank Friday before attempting to walk out with $30,000, police in the Massachusetts city said today.

This was idiocy on multiple levels. First off, why leave Schenectady and go to North Adams, MA to rob a bank? North Adams, the smallest city in Massachusetts, is nestled in the northern Berkshires. There is NO fast way out of that town. The nearest interstate on-ramp is about an hour away. This guy should've done his robbing closer to home--like in Schenectady, with it's multiple interstate on ramps, and major roads running into, and out of the city. Had he made it to his car, the cops would've picked him off before he got to the city line.

And what's with the CO2 gun? Pulllleeeze! A CO2 gun makes a bold statement. It says "I am armed and I can kill you." Now that's a statement that is sure to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, it's also a statement that a CO2 gun lacks the nads to back up. If you're going to rob a bank, either bring a real gun, or just stick your hand in your pocket and play the old "I have a gun in my pocket, and I'm not afraid to shoot a hole in my coat" game. Option 2 will improve your chances of survival if you run into the police. And speaking of the police...
Robert A. Bywaters, 54, of Union Street, entered the Hoosac Bank at 3:29 p.m. and demanded cash. Police said a bank employee called the police station, which is less than 100 yards away. Officers surrounded the building less than one minute later and took Bywaters into custody when he came out. (emphasis mine)

I'd ask if he could've chosen a worse bank to rob, but I can't recall whether there's a bank that's closer to the police station. But I doubt he could've chosen one much worse. I guess this guy wasn't familiar with the 6 Ps. Or is it 7? Either way, he was a few Ps short.

And what's with the explosives? Is he a suicide robber? If he is, I guess he lacks commitment to his craft, as he's still alive and in one piece.

The up side to the story is its cost efficiency. With gasoline upwards of $4 a gallon, he saved the taxpayers of North Adams a bunch of cash by robbing a bank that the police could respond to on foot. His robbery was also "green," as it produced a minimal carbon footprint. Unless he fired that dumbass gun of his.

Friday, May 23, 2008


"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."

-Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)


On this day in 1934, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were ambushed and gunned down by a posse led by (semi)retired Texas Ranger Frank Hamer. Click here to read my previous post on the subject.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Dr. Schadenfreude strikes again. From my hometown newspaper, the Albany Times Useless:
Chase ends in empty gas tank

CLIFTON PARK -- State Police arrested a motorcyclist after a high-speed chase that started on the Thruway and ended on a Northway curb when he ran out of gas.

Jonah E. Calkins, 32, of Plattsburgh, allegedly fled troopers on the northbound portion of the Thruway in New Baltimore when they attempted to pull him over for speeding. He accelerated to over 100 miles per hour, and troopers broke off the chase "due to traffic conditions."

A description of Calkins' 1998 Honda was was radioed to Troop G, which covers the Capital Region, and Calkins was arrested on the Northway near Exit 8, having run out of gas.

Calkins is being held in lieu of $2500 bail. I guess he forgot to hit the ATM right after he forgot to fill his gas tank.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


There's nothing like getting back to nature, right?
Naked pilot, flight attendant arrested in woods

HARRISBURG, Pa. -- An airline pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only flip-flops and a wristwatch as a nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant ended with both under arrest, police said.

Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg on Sunday night before they apparently decided to walk into the woods, police said.

"They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially," said Lower Swatara Township police Sgt. Richard Brandt. "That's the best answer they had."

The two somehow became separated, and people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman.

A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight.

Oh man, FLIR sure takes the fun out of life. Well, FLIR and mosquitoes. And poison ivy too, I suppose.


Wow, those cops down in Mexico don't mess around. Serious business down there.
Donkey jailed in Mexico for violent behaviour

A Mexican donkey has landed itself in jail after biting and kicking two men.

The animal was locked up in a holding pen normally used for keeping drunks off the streets after it lashed out at the pair at a ranch in Chiapas state, local police revealed yesterday.

The owner of the angry ass, Mauro Gutierrez, has been told that he will have to pay the injured men's medical bills before the creature is released from custody.

Genaro Vazquez, 63, told police that the unnamed donkey bit him in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.

"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said.

It took six men to restrain the enraged beast, police said.

Six men? I wonder if they used excessive force. Maybe the donkey will file a lawsuit. Maybe the Reverend Al will organize a protest with the local donkey community. "No justice, no ass!"

Mexican po-lice, huh?

Monday, May 19, 2008


I was on the website of my alma mater today, and I got a bit nostalgic for the 80s. So I figured I'd choose an 80s icon for the Babe of the Week. And who is the quintessential babe of the 80s? I think a powerful argument can be made for Phoebe Cates. What do you think?

Saturday, May 17, 2008


We had a going-away lunch for one of the augmentees yesterday. We had it at Olive Garden, which isn't too shabby. A good time overall, the only downer was that I wasn't the one going away. I'm getting closer, but I'm not close enough.

I went to see Iron Man again last night. I went with a friend of mine who hadn't seen it yet. He apparently liked it a lot. I kinda figured he would.

After the movie, we stopped at FYE. I felt the need to expand my DVD collection. Turns out they had a buy two, get one free sale. Good timing, too, as they had two of the DVDs I've been looking for: White Lightning and Gator. Both are in fullscreen, but they haven't been issued in widescreen yet. Guess I'll just have to suffer. For now. The third DVD I got was 28 Days Later, a British horror flick. I watched it last night, good movie.

I have the day off today. It's just after noon, and I haven't been out of my room yet. I'm gonna have to get my ass in gear and take advantage of the time off and the nice weather (sunny and currently 96 degrees F).

Friday, May 16, 2008


"A man's gotta be numb on both ends to earn his living sittin' on a horse."

-Latigo Smith (James Garner), Support Your Local Gunfighter (1971)


What with going to day shift and all, I figured I'd have more time to blog. Fat chance. The last couple of days I'm lucky to get online at all. My trusty computer dials the local access number (dialup, arrrgh!) and all I get most of the time is a rapid busy signal. I switch to other local access numbers. Same thing. Then I tried calling the 1-800 number on my At&T calling card. More of the same. Just for the fun of it, I tried a couple of local numbers. And whaddya think happened? Yup, even more of the same.

I try talking to the woman in charge over at the base billeting office, but she totally isn't getting it. "We'll have someone check your phone. We can replace it if it's broken."

I explain to her that it's not the phone. If it was the phone, the computer wouldn't be affected. Also, I never have problems calling other extensions on base, or calling off-base DSN numbers. It's probably the trunk line, but it's not the phone.

"OK," she says, "we'll send someone to look at your phone."

Yup, like talking to a wall.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Defined as buying a large chocolate chip cookie, taking it home (or the room that currently passes for a home), and then biting into it, only to find out that it's really an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oatmeal? That's like the vanilla ice cream of cookies. They ought to be required to put a warning label on those things.

Monday, May 12, 2008


This week's babe is actress Jeri Ryan. I decided on Jeri after seeing a personalized license plate earlier today that referenced her character on Star Trek: Voyager.

Friday, May 09, 2008


"If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya."

-Rory Breaker (Vas Blackwood), Lock, Stock and two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Thursday, May 08, 2008


I walked outside at 9:45 this morning and the sun was shining. It was the first time in six weeks I had even been up at that hour, let alone outside. It felt really good. Now that I'm done with mid shift, I guess I'll be seeing more of that big yellow ball in the sky. I'm hoping that'll put me in a better mood. The last six weeks have kinda sucked.

Since I was up and about so "early" today, I decided to go out for breakfast. I went to McDonalds. Not exactly sophisticated cuisine, but those Sausage McGriddles are mighty tasty.

I only slept about 3 1/2 hours, so I figured I needed to keep myself entertained today so I could stay awake. To that end, I went to see Iron Man. Excellent movie. Robert Downey Jr. was great as Tony Stark. Great soundtrack, awesome special fx; hell, maybe I'll even go see it again.

I have tomorrow off too. Unfortunately, I have to be at a meeting at 8:00 in the morning. I'm hoping the meeting is short, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008


On this date in 1827, farmhand Jesse Strang murdered John Whipple in Albany, NY. He was put up to the crime by Whipple's wife Elsie. Elsie even provided Strang with the gun he used, which she stole from her soon-to-be-late husband.

To add insult to (fatal) injury, John Whipple--wise to his wife's affair and fearing an attempt on his life--actually loaded the murder weapon.

The police saw through Strang's alibi and arrested him for the murder. He promptly ratted out Elsie, who was then arrested as well. Strang was eventually convicted of murder and sentenced to death. He was executed in the last public hanging in Albany's history. Elsie Whipple was found not guilty and released.

Wikipedia: Murder at Cherry Hill

Historic Cherry Hill

John Whipple (11 Aug 1793-7 May 1827)

Monday, May 05, 2008


This week's babe is Canadian-born model/actress Natasha Henstridge.

Friday, May 02, 2008


"Tell me, Ray, do you ever wear one that says "undercover?"

-Marshall Sisco (Dennis Farina), Out of Sight (1998)

Thursday, May 01, 2008


OK, I was in Best Buy today checking out DVDs. I found a box set of the Indiana Jones trilogy (soon to be a quartet). Actually, they had two of them in stock. And both of them were in full screen format. There were none in wide screen. What's up with that? In this day of digital media, wide screen TVs, and HD, who still buys full screen format DVDs? Sorry, but I just don't get it.


This post contains everything needed to qualify for a B.S. in Randomness. So pay attention, there may be a test afterwards.

Coldstone Creamery rocks. And the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip rocks. The girl who sings a little song every time someone leaves a tip...not so much. Of course Simon Cowell may disagree.

Pulling a U-turn from the right lane of a crowded 4 lane is extraordinarily stupid. Having the gall to shoot a dirty look at the driver that almost hit you when you pulled the aforementioned bonehead move goes beyond stupid. Beyond arrogant. It's an action that just screams "Please kill me before I reproduce." Sadly, I feel we may be too late.

Richard Stark's latest book, Dirty Money, was released recently. Of course, I haven't read the previous two Stark books (Nobody Runs Forever and Ask the Parrot) yet. I've been waiting for them to be released in paperback. They haven't been. I blame that French company that bought Mysterious Press. Damned French. And yes, I am of (partially) French ancestry. But we're talking Richard Stark here, so damn 'em, I say!

I'm watching Married with Children as I type this. Al Bundy is wearing a grilling apron that reads "Kiss the cook, kill the wife" while explaining the history (and prehistory) behind Labor Day. Al Bundy is a true American hero. He should have his own comic book.

I have tomorrow night off. Then I go back to work. Only one more week of midnight shifts left. Cowa freakin' bunga!

The braniacs who run billeting on this base finally turned off the heat and turned on the air conditioning in my building. It only took temps in the mid 90s for them to catch the hint.