FRIDAY MOVIE QUOTE

"You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together...And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, 'as greedy as a pig'".


-Brick Top Polford (Alan Ford), Snatch (2000)

ALLOW MYSELF TO INTRODUCE SPAM MYSELF

I've been getting some weird spam emails at my work email address lately. The spammers have somehow managed to spoof my email address, making it look like I sent the email to myself. I'm totally puzzled as to why someone would do this. Am I supposed to feel safer ordering my c1@lis and v1@gra from the site because I got the email from myself? "Gee, I don't remember sending that to myself, but it must be trustworthy. It's from me." Duh. How freakin' stupid do they think I am? And is there anyone stupid enough to fall for that? I may not want to know the answer to either of those questions.

TV STUFF -- MORE FROM PREMIERE WEEK

I caught the season premiere of CSI: NY Wednesday night. It was pretty good. They kept to the basics: first the mystery, then comes the science followed by the puzzle, then the solution. Formula CSI, but it works for me. They added a new character, a medical examiner played by Claire Forlani (Mallrats). I was puzzled as to why they decided to make her character English, until I looked her up on IMDB. Apparently, Claire Forlani is from the UK. I'd only ever seen her play American roles. It looks like her character is going to be a love interest for Mack (Gary Sinise). I can only hope they don't go too hog wild with the relationship stuff on the show. It is supposed to be a sort of police procedural, after all. "Just the facts ma'am."

Thursday brought the season premiere of My Name is Earl. They moved it to 8:00. Yes!!! No more having to remember to tape it while I watch CSI.

CSI's season premiere was on at 9:00. It followed the aforementioned formula, but it worked. They started a story arc concerning the apparent rape of Catherine (Marg Helgenberger). It looks like she may have been drugged in a bar. She woke up alone and disoriented in a hotel room and did a self-processing of the probable crime scene.

A new show premiered after CSI. It's called Shark, and it stars James Woods as a high profile, take no prisoners defense attorney-turned-prosecutor. I'm not a big fan of lawyer shows, but I gave this one a try because I'm a big James Woods fan. Based on the series premiere, it looks like it's going to be a good show. Woods didn't disappoint. If the writers can keep turning out good plots and dialog, Shark will become one of my must-see shows.

I caught the second episode of CSI: Miami last night. It looks like they wrapped up the "Horatio's revenge" storyline. Good. Back to the formula. Not too original, I know. Or too technically accurate, for that matter. But the CSI shows are easy to watch. Mind candy, as it were.

THE MUPPET MATRIX

I haven't been able to log on to Blogger all day, so I'm posting this by email.  Come to think of it, I haven't been able to get onto Google all day either.  Anyway, I saw this over at Wyatt's blog.  If you're a Muppet fan or a Matrix fan, you'll probably like it.  If you're a fan of both, you'll definitely like it.

The Muppet Matrix

HERE TODAY, GONE...LATER TODAY.

Once upon a time, I used to go to the movies. A lot. Watching videos is nice, but there's nothing like the big-screen experience. When I was stationed in Germany in the late 80s, I went at least once a week. The theater was a short walk from my barracks, and the movies were cheap. If there was something I wanted to see, I went. I didn't care whether anyone else wanted to go or not. Hell, I even went to movies that didn't look good, just for something to do.

When I was transferred to Ft. Irwin, CA, I tried to keep up my movie-a-week habit. My wife and I lived in Barstow, which was 37 miles from post. There was a two-screen theater in town, and Victorville -- which had two larger theaters -- was only a half hour away. Some weeks we'd go to two movies, if there was something playing that looked even remotely interesting.

We moved back to New York in 1990 after I got out of the Army. Our movie attendance slowed down a little, but we still went a lot. After our first child was born in 1992, our movie-going dropped off sharply. These days, we probably go to less than a half dozen movies a year. And half of those are movies to which we bring the kids.

This summer, there were several movies I wanted to see. I told my wife to plan on seeing at least a few movies (without the kids) over the summer. She agreed, so I figured it'd be a go. I don't like to go on a movie's opening weekend, so I usually wait a week or two. Big mistake. Pretty much every movie I wanted to see this summer disappeared from local theaters in three weeks or less. WTF? It's like they declare a movie a flop if it doesn't make a gazillion dollars in the first week, then send it to video. "He who hesitates is lost," I guess.

Last week, I told my wife that I wanted to go to see The Black Dahlia, and that I wanted to see it on its second weekend in theaters. So, we went to see it Friday night. It was OK, I guess. Although I expected more from a Brian DiPalma movie based on a James Ellroy novel. I think they tried to include too much of the novel in the movie. Consequently, it was kind of hard to follow. But it was good to see a flick on the big screen again.

I told the Mrs. that we ought to go out at least a couple times a month. She thought once a month might be a little more realistic. Bah. Screw realism, we're talking about the movies here. Besides, The Departed premieres on October 6th. I figure that the 13th might be a good night to see it. If I'm lucky, it'll still be in theaters. But I won't bet my last dollar on it. It will be Friday the 13th, after all.

STUPID CROOK TRICKS

Here's an interesting news story from my former home town of Syracuse, NY. An undercover prostitition sting got really weird.

According to Syracuse Police, around 10:45 Thursday morning, the undercover officer was patrolling around the 1800 block of Lodi Street for prostitutes.

The officer picked up an alleged prostitute, and drove to the 100 block of Gebhardt Avenue where he was going to arrest her.

The prostitute kept asking the officer if he was a cop. He kept saying he was not, according to Syracuse Police.

Finally, the alleged prostitute said that she was a cop, and attempted to put handcuffs on the officer. At the same time, she got out a radio, and told all cars to move in.

The officer quickly backed his car out of the alley they were sitting in, and arrested the alleged prostitute.

After arresting her, police heard another female voice on the radio, and traced it to a woman who was sitting in a blue vehicle, in the same alley.

Police believe the two women have done this scheme to other men before, in an attempt to extort money from them.

Smooth move, girls. You shoulda stuck to hooking. Lower level offense, don't ya know. Hat's off to Lisa Greene (the "undercover" prostitute) and Elena Irwin (her "tactical team"). Dumbasses.

TRUTH OR B.S.? THE ANSWER

OK, time for the answer to this meme. Which of the following three statements isn't true:

1. I was twenty-five years old when I bought my first car.
2. I graduated from high school a year early.
3. I've seen the movie The Green Mile at least 20 times.


1. All through high school and college, money was tight. I was lucky to have spending money, let alone enough to buy a car. A few months after I graduated college, I enlisted in the Army. I did a two year tour in Germany, where I wasn't even allowed to have a civilian driver's license. After Germany, I was sent to Fort Irwin, CA. At 25 years old, I finally bought my first car. It was a black 1988 Chevy Baretta.

2. I took senior high school English during summer school. This allowed me to complete the requirements for a high school diploma early. I spent what should have been my senior year in high school as a freshman in college.

3. I've never seen the movie The Green Mile. Not once. Believe it or not, I've never seen The Shawshank Redemption or Forrest Gump either. I'm sure I will see them eventually, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

FRIDAY MOVIE QUOTE

"When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross."

-"Dirty" Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Dirty Harry (1971)

TV STUFF -- PREMIERE WEEK

I watched the season premiere of The Unit Tuesday night. The show picked up awhile after last year's surprise attack against the off-duty unit members. Jonas seriously kicked ass, frying (or was it char-broiling?) a busload of smallpox-infected bioterrorists in Pakistan. And Mack and Tiffy decided not to leave. That part wasn't much of a plot twist, I knew they wouldn't go. It looks like this season will be another good one.

After The Unit, I watched the series premiere of Smith. The show opened with the aftermath of a robbery, then turned the clock back an hour to show us what happened. After that, they turned the clock back a few weeks to show the lead-up to the robbery. It's still too early to be sure, but I have a feeling that I'm going to like this show. Amy Smart's solution to having a former high school classmate recognize her on the street moments before the robbery had a Richard Stark-like heartless sensibility to it. If you're a fan of Stark's Parker books, you may like this show.

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE

OK, this is a meme from Mr. John T. Schramm. It works like this:

...make three statements -- two of them true, one false. The object (is)...to guess which is the false statement.

OK, so here goes. Guess which two are true, and which one is B.S.

1. I was twenty-five years old when I bought my first car.
2. I graduated from high school a year early.
3. I've seen the movie The Green Mile at least 20 times.

OK, if you want to take a stab at it, leave your answers in the comments. If you're reading this post, you can consider yourself tagged with this meme. You can put your three statements on your own blog or in my comments. Or you can blow the meme off if you want. It's a free country, after all.

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN

About 10 minutes ago, I noticed that my cell phone was off. That's the third time in a week. I'm losing it.

The monthly after-work get together is tonight. I'm actually going, for a change. It seems they usually schedule it on a night where I'm tied up. I lucked out this month. I don't think I've been since March or April. I'll try to keep my cell phone and my brain turned on, at least until I get home.

CSI: MIAMI SEASON PREMIERE

I tuned in to CSI: Miami's season premiere last night. I could only watch about ten minutes of it. The storyline about Horatio's quest for vengeance after the murder of his wife just left me cold. I'm generally not a big fan of going into the personal lives of the CSIs, but forays into Horatio's personal life are especially painful. In previous seasons, we were treated to multiple stories about his "late" brother, his sister-in-law, his nephew, his brother's former informant and the "love child" (I've always thought that was a stupid expression. Is a child born to married parents a "hate child?") they had. When Horatio started dating Delko's sister Marisol, all I could think of is "this show's about to jump the shark." I dont't know how last night's episode ended. I can only hope they resolved that storyline. But I have a sneaking suspicion they didn't. Is that a dorsal fin I see in the water ahead? I guess I'll have to wait until next week to find out.

TODAY IN (CRIME) HISTORY: SEPTEMBER 18, 1975

Thirty-one years ago today, heiress-turned-hostage-turned- revolutionary Patty Hearst (she's the stylish urban guerilla pictured above) was arrested by the FBI in San Francisco. And so began her transformation from radical chic to jailhouse geek (pictured below). She was tried, convicted, and given a seven year sentence that was commuted in 1979 (thanks Jimmy!). She was pardoned in January 2001 (thanks Bill!).

Patty Hearst article at CrimeLibrary

Wikipedia entry on Patty Hearst

Patty Hearst, actress

IT'S PARTY TIME!

I was surfing Youtube when I ran across a music video from my favorite zombie movie, Return of the Living Dead. The video features the song "Party Time" by the band 45 Grave. Classic.

Purists would probably insist that Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead are superior flicks, but I always liked ROTLD a little more. There's something about mixing 80s music and style with the genre that just struck a chord with me. Oh yeah, it also features 80s scream queen Linnea Quigley as a (very) scantily clad punk rock chick named Trash. That doesn't hurt.

If you're interested in watching the music video, you can see it here. A quick warning: the video includes Linnea's grave-dancing scene, in which she appears pretty damned close to nekkid. Although you may be interested to know that she wasn't quite as nekkid as she looked. According to her website, the producers were concerned about qualifying for an R rating from the MPAA. They had the makeup artists develop a sort of prosthetic crotch for Linnea to wear. Amazing, eh? Another technological wonder from the folks in Hollywood. What will they think of next?

ANOTHER MOVIE QUOTE

I read something this morning that reminded me of another movie quote.



"You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions."

-Major Toht (Ronald Lacey), Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)


Check out this post from Cowboy Blob. Maybe Major Toht has a point.

THIS LINE IS OUT OF SERVICE -- DUMBASS!

So I get home yesterday, and I take my cell phone off my belt. I open it up to turn it off, and what do I find? I had never turned it on. I'm walking around all day with my cell phone turned off. Duh.

To make matters worse, at about noon today I go to check my messages on the cell phone and what do I find? Again. Yup, you got that right. I'm walking around all morning with the thing turned off.

It makes me wonder whether this is some kind of subconscious manifestation of my dislike for cell phones. Or am I just an absent-minded dumbass?

FRIDAY MOVIE QUOTE

"When you side with a man, you stay with him. And if you can't do that, you're like some animal, you're finished. We're finished. All of us."

-Pike Bishop (William Holden), The Wild Bunch (1969)

THE CHANGE-ONE-LETTER MEME

I saw this meme on Gerald's blog. He got it from Sarah Weinman, who got it from John Rickards, who was inspired by Jeremy Slater. It appears to be spreading just like a virus.

Anyway, it works like this: change one letter in a book title to get something...different. Here's what I came up with (I put in links to the Amazon.com page for the book titles I'm using):

SHOGUN OPERA -- A military leader in 18th century Japan decides to put on a musical production, with him in the lead role. Which of his Samurai will have the courage to tell the Shogun that he has no talent?

I, THE JUDY -- Hard as nails PI Mike Hammer busts heads and solves crimes while moonlighting as a drag queen/Judy Garland impersonator.

PUN MONKEYS -- Hitman Charlie Swift and his crew whack their targets while spouting off corny one-liners.

RUM PONCH -- Eric Estrada's character from CHiPs goes on a bender and blacks out in 1985. He wakes up on a Spanish language soap opera in 2003!

THE BIG SHEEP -- Things get wild and woolly when PI Philip Marlowe searches for a kidnapped farm animal.

FONDUE ME BABY!

Ouch!  This one hurt just reading about it.

Woman faces prison after setting boyfriend's penis on fire

MONTREAL - Sentencing arguments will begin in November for a woman who followed in the footsteps of Lorena Bobbitt, the Virginia woman who gained infamy in 1993 for slicing off her husband's penis.

Andree Rene's weapon of choice was fondue fuel.

Following an argument in April, 2001, the woman set her boyfriend's penis on fire as he slept.

The 52-year-old man suffered third-degree burns in the pelvic area and on his chest. He spent a month in hospital.

Apparently she faces up to 14 years in prison.  She's lucky that Canada doesn't have a Code of Hammurabi thing going on there, or she'd be in for a world of hurt.

The up side of all this is that we may finally be able to identify the dumbest man in Canada.  He'll be the guy who becomes her next boyfriend.

Hat tip to Rachel for the link.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

I was driving through Coxsackie, NY this morning. Coxsackie is home to two New York State prisons: the Greene Correctional Facility, a medium security prison; and Coxsackie Correctional Facility, a maximum security facility. There's a self-storage place across the road from Coxsackie. I'd noticed it before, but I had never taken note of the name of the place: Jake's Lock Up. What do you think, was Jake's choice of a name for his business coincidental?

FRIDAY MOVIE QUOTE

"It's just like the first time I came here, isn't it? We were talking about automobile insurance, only you were thinking about murder. And I was thinking about that anklet."

-Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray), Double Indemnity (1944)

GETTING HIGH TECH

Work was thrown into a tailspin for a while yesterday, but it was well worth it. We got new computers, and it's about time! We finally got rid of the old TRS 80s

And replaced them with shiny new--well, like new anyway--Commodore 64s.

I heard a rumor that they're going to install 8-track tape players in our company cars, but I'm not holding my breath.

KILLSHOT

And speaking of ElmoreLeonard.com, the trailer for the big-screen adaptation of Killshot is available here. The trailer seems to lack the quirky charm of Leonard's novels, so I won't hold out a lot of hope that the movie will have much of it either. But it does look intriguing. And Mickey Rourke appears to have pulled off playing hitman Armand "The Blackbird" Degas much better than I expected.

A MONTH? TRY THREE DAYS.

And I thought the idea of writing a novel in a month was insane. Check out the 3 Day Novel Contest. From the FAQ:

The 3-Day Novel Contest is a writing challenge that has happened every Labour Day Weekend since 1977. Entrants pre-register and then grit their teeth, lock their doors and try to produce a literary masterwork in 72 hours. A panel of experienced judges reads the results and the winning novel is published. The contest was originally administered by a series of small publishing houses, but today, thanks to a host of volunteers and friendly literary groups, the 3-Day Novel Contest is now an independent organization.

Three days? Hell, it takes me weeks (or more, a lot more) to write a short story. My hat is off to anyone who can do that. Or even tries to do it. It's too late to enter this year, but if you think you can handle that kind of deadline, there's always 2007. If you start now, you have 11+ months to work on your story outline.

Hat tip to ElmoreLeonard.com, where I saw this today.

APB--ALL POINTS BLOG-POST (UPDATED)

I usually keep it light here, avoiding politics and serious news stories, but in this case I'll make an exception.

Have you seen this asshole?

Ralph "Bucky" Phillips is an escapee from the Erie County (NY) Correctional Facility. On June 10th of this year, he shot and wounded NY State Trooper Sean Brown in the Town of Veteran, NY. Last Thursday night, Phillips ambushed Troopers in the woods near Pomfret, NY. Troopers Donald Baker and Joseph Longobardo were shot and wounded. Both are currently in critical condition.

You can get all of the details of this story from the article posted on the Albany Times Union website. If you're more of a TV watcher than a newspaper reader, Capital News 9 has video. A wanted poster can be viewed at the New York State Police website.

There's a $250,000 reward for information leading to this dirtbag's capture. So if civic responsibility isn't your bag, then do it for the cash. Either way, if you see him, contact the New York State Police (contact numbers can be found on the NYSP website linked above) so they can track him down and arrest his ass--or put a bullet in it.



Update: I just heard this morning that Trooper Joseph Longobardo died last night in a hospital in Buffalo. Lobgobardo, 32, leaves behind a wife and a one year old child.

FRIDAY MOVIE QUOTE

"Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life."

-Khan Noonien Singh (Ricardo Montalban), Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)